Premarital Counseling

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Pre-Marital Counseling

The Concept and Understanding

of Marriage & Counseling

in the

Coptic Orthodox Church

+          +          + 

A Study Program started in 1991 by

Fr. Markos R. Hanna

THE FIRST OF ITS KIND OUTSIDE EGYPT

First Edition  in  1993

Revised in 1994, 1998, 2004

++++++++++++++++++++++++

 ORDER  FROM

P O BOX  2026

NORTH HILLS, CA. 91393

By the end of 1988, His Holiness Pope Shenouda III assigned the author of this booklet to handle the 19-days-period of the Papal Visit to Los Angeles, California.

It was an honor and a privilege for a young priest then, to handle such a big task, but it was a big blessing which I learned a lot from being that close to His Holiness the Pope.

His Holiness had an entourage of 7 honored bishops, who accompanied him, and helped in establishing the different services needed then.

H. G. Bishop Sarabamoun, to oversee the monastic life in St. Anthony’s Monastery in Barstow, California.

H. G. Bishop Moussa, general bishop of youth, has established the yearly youth conventions, in the east coast, mid-west, Canada, and the west coast, which started the following year to the visit.

H. G. Bishop Paula, who presides over the Church court for family affairs, took care of the family problems, finding solutions to put the family together more than allowing them to re-marry in the Church.

H. G. Bishop Tadros of Port Said, was His Holiness general secretary for the trip throughout the continents, who was the liaison between the many different schedules and the preparers.

And many others who worked effortless to make the trip an historic success.

Of course the Coptic star, with no challenge, was His Holiness Pope Shenouda III, with his attractive personality, convincing words, and charisma, toped them all.

As I was taking care of this wonderful and holy group, along with many that worked with me to make this section of the Papal visit a success, I was assigned by H. G. Bishop Paula to gather some information for certain cases and forward it to him.

In the following year, Bishop Paula came to Los Angeles and made St. Mark Church of Los Angeles, his center and gave me the responsibility to prepare his schedule in the different churches, and prepare the different cases from the different churches in Los Angeles, and made an appointment book for the people with His Grace.

His Grace Bishop Paula gave several lectures about how Christian couple should live together, and the teaching of the Bible in living a pure life with the children.

In 1991, using some of the information from the lectures delivered by Bishop Paula, I had the courage to counsel a couple before their marriage. They enjoyed it very much and suggested that it is essential that the married-couple-to-be have to attend such sessions.

But my notes were scattered and not organized in a booklet. I had to print something to educate myself to prepare others for this very important union, just as we teach the parents about how to prepare them for baptizing the child, how to prepare the congregation for confession, how to prepare them and teach them about partaking of Holy Communion.

For the following two years, I took it on shoulder to put a Christian program together to help people live with Christ, and invite Him in their midst daily. Many Coptic priests did not approved it then, and thought that it was a ‘non-Coptic’ act!

By 1993 the first booklet for Pre-Marital Counseling in the Coptic Church outside Egypt, was produced and was in use. I did not give any wedding appointments till the couple attended the six weeks course.

I used many profound references and picked what our Church will accept to teach its congregation, according to the teachings of the fathers of our beloved Church.

This booklet was revised several times, up to four times so far, to update the information and make it as complete as possible.

Pray for me as I for you.

From the very beginning, ordinary life was bound up with religious life. The two were one and could not be separated. Everything the family did was bound on God’s law.

If they treated one another badly, they broke God’s law. Things had to be put right between them, and a sacrifice was needed to put them right with God (Leviticus 6:1-6).

            Religion and family life were woven together in the way parents brought up their children. Children were encouraged to ask questions and find out about their religion and history (Exodus 13:14).

            The regular weekly rest-day was intended also to be a day when God could be remembered and worshipped (Exodus 31:15-17).

In the evenings, members of the family recited many of the stories now written in The Bible.

            When secular thoughts and desires began to intervene in the heart of man, the laws of God were broken, thus, the need for a teacher and director of souls, a priest or pastor help, and supervise the spiritual good of individual souls entrusted to his care. Such counseling may extend to the social, psychological, and spiritual matters.

            May God use this humble work for the benefit of the believers to fulfill the divine love in their lives.

Through the intercession of our blessed Mother of God, The Theotokos, holy Virgin Mary, and the beloved Evangelist Saint Mark the Apostle and Martyr, and our beloved father of fathers, His Holiness Pope Shenouda III, and all the saints who have pleased God since the beginning. Amen.

Fr. Markos Hanna

21 Hatour, the monthly feast of St. Mary.

November-1994          First  Edition

Due to the tremendous benefit, which couples acquired, and valuable issues discussed and experienced throughout the past four years plus, using this program, it was inevitable to re-print a well revised edition for this program under the auspices of the bishop of Los Angeles, His Grace Bishop Serapion, who was installed as head of the Coptic Church in Los Angeles on the 23^rd, December-1995.

            The program is used constantly, and couples flock to it wanting to grasp the Christian teachings for their married life, and apply it, to see Christ living among them and in their midst.

            We ask the Lord, God to bestow His divine grace upon all those who seek wisdom, be revering Him in their lives, and loving Him from their mind, heart, will and strength. Amen.

Fr. Markos Hanna

4^th, Babah AM

October-14^th-1998

            As many benefit from the program, it was time to have their input to enrich the material by ‘what people want’, so I included a summary after every session, almost, and a small questionnaire related to the subject discussed. This will make people interact on the spot regarding the material studied. Hope this will bring this program to an almost complete edition to bring forth fruits; thirty, sixty and an hundred.

            We ask the Lord to bless this humble work which started in 1991, and has helped many on the road to heaven, together.

Glory be to The Holy Trinity. Amen.

Fr. Markos Hanna

Nativity Feast, 2005

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There are 4 characteristics that are essential in choosing the life-partner:

1-To be Religious:

+ Worship God in truth and spirit

+ reverence of the Lord; glory, honor, and happiness

2-To be Polite and Respectful:

+ Sarah used to address Abraham, ‘My lord’.

+ A virtuous woman, who can find.

+ Men ought to love, trust and respect their women.

3-To be available to be a mother/father:

+ No physiological problems on either sides

4-To be a Pure and Chaste virgin:

+ Their chastity will be appealing to each other.

THE FAMILY OF THE LIFE-PARTNER TO-BE:

It should be clear that any person who is joining in marriage, that he/she is joined to partner’s family.

They have to look for the following:

+ The report and fame.

+ Any diseases that run in the family; genetic, psychological, etc.

+ Attitude and behavior of the members of the family, which imprinted, beyond any doubt, on the character and personality of the partner-to-be.

1-What has your family taught you about marriage?

are your expectations for your marriage because of this?

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The Rites and Symbolism of

THE SACRAMENT OF HOLY

M A T R I M O N Y

A Step-by-step Guide

In Explaining this ‘Great Mystery’.

Marriage is cherished by the Coptic Orthodox people.

The marriage of the young couple is the hope and future of the Church.

The Church wants to support you in times of challenge and struggle, and rejoice with you in times of joy and celebration.

The marriage preparation program was created to help you gain a better understanding of the joys and challenges of living the sacrament of Matrimony in your day-to-day lives.

The Sacrament of Holy Matrimony is the holy service which the bridegroom and the bride are united together and vow before; Christ, the priest and the congregation to be trusting, loving, caring and honest to each other for life.

            They are given the divine grace which sanctifies their matrimonial union. It is made perfect and spiritual, like the unity of Christ and the Church.

The Sacrament is of great importance:  not only the lives of two persons, but the home, the state, the Church and the Kingdom of God are deeply involved. It is not a sacrament to be regarded lightly or performed thoughtlessly and discriminately.

THERE ARE THREE END RESULTS OF MARRIAGE:

1-The preservation and growth of mankind, better known as     Physical attraction.

2-Mutual help between husband and wife, better known as         Mental    attraction.

3-To keep both from temptation of carnal lusts, better known as             Spiritual attraction.

Marriage should be held in the Church since it is one of the seven Sacraments.

It is God blessing our love. It is an invitation to the Lord Jesus to enter this all-important relationship and to redeem it. It gives us the grace and power to be patient, loving, forgiving, kind, and understanding when it is so easy to be critical and judgmental.

2-On your wedding day you are making a binding and permanent promise to each other and to God. How does that make you feel?

an engaged couple, how do you invite God into your relationship?

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Each of the acts which you will observe in the Orthodox ceremony, has special meaning and significance:

1. The bridegroom waits for the bride at the Church entrance; as Adam was created first and then Eve was brought to him by God (Genesis 2:22).
2. The bride is always seated at the right hand of the bridegroom referring to power, might and strength; “The right hand of the Lord does valiantly, the right hand of the Lord is exalted” (Psalm 117:15,16).
3. The candles which the bride’s maid hold throughout the wedding ceremony are like the lamps of the five wise maidens of the Bible, who because they had enough oil in them, were able to receive the Bridegroom-CHRIST, when He came in the darkness of the night (Matthew 25:1). This symbolizes the willingness and spiritual eagerness of the couple to receive Him.

      It is that same candle which was lit when your parents celebrated your baptism and you became a light in the world. Now, it is lit again at your wedding ceremony, to signify that you will continue being a light in the world. The third     and last time it will be lit, is when you depart from this world, signifying that you were a light and remembered as light in the world.

4. The Priest starts the ceremony, like all other services and sacraments, by praying the ‘Thanksgiving Prayer’: We are thanking God for all conditions and in all events, for He has protected us, accepted us unto Him, supported us and had compassion on us. He is Almighty and Pantocrator Who does all good for us always. He deserves to be thanked continually.
5. After raising incense, and praying the verses of cymbals, the Priest prays over the ‘vestments’, then put it on them: The robe is put on the groom, declaring him the ‘priest’ of the new kingdom-their house, which has been established with his wife, the bride. As a priest for the house, he ought to:
1. Urge the members of his house to read the Bible with understanding, daily.
2. Pray every morning, at noon, before and after eating and sleeping.
3. Confess at least twice a month, or as needed.
4. Partake of the Holy Communion every week, but no less than once a month, without delay.
5. Practice love, trust, respect and honesty in their lives.
6. The rings are blessed by the Priest who draws the sign of the Cross over them:

      The rings are then exchanged, signifying that in marriage the weakness of one     partner will be compensated for by the strength of the other; the imperfection of             one complemented by the perfections of the other. Together they are made          perfect, because separate they are incomplete. Each will be enriched by the divine         sacred union. Their joys will be doubled, and their sorrow shared because they are        experienced by both.

7.  The Epistle of St. Paul to the Ephesians 5:22-33; 6:1-3, is read: In this Epistle       quite a bit of controversy concerning pride, honor and dignity is argued,          because of the following verses:

                  “Wives, submit to your own husbands” (5:22)

                  “For the husband is the head of the wife” (5:23)

      The explanation is in the same verse, where it says; “As also Christ is the head of the Church, and He is the Savior of the body” (5:23).

Let us then reveal what Christ did as head of the Church:

A.     He suffered, so the Church can be comforted.

B.      He carried all her sins, so she can be free.

C.     He died, so she can live.

By the same token, husbands ought to love, trust and respect their wives.

The submission of the wife to the husband presupposes the absolute love of the husband for his wife; a love of sacrifice: sacrifice of pride, of money and muscles, of position and authority, for his wife is one flesh with him.

A man of such a love honors his wife and her motherhood.

Whoever keeps the fire of love alive will never see icicles on the window of his home that will prevent the sunshine and the warmth of the sun’s rays from shining through. Such a mutual love bears the mystery of devotion and bondage to each other. It is not I and you, but: ‘I for you’.

Verse 28 reads; “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies”.

Verse 20 reads; “for no man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it”.

We have always been taught not to love ourselves, i.e. not to be selfish. But the divine Word of God is teaching us to love it by nourishing and cherishing it.

Nourishes: means mature, to grow. The Gospel of St. Luke 2:52 tells us that our Lord Jesus “increased, grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man” (KJ-21 st century).

This is how we mature, how we grow, how we nourish ourselves, by maturing in wisdom (mentally), in stature (physically), before God (spiritually) and man (strong relationship with her).

Cherishes: means to protect-protect from anything that will hinder the nourishing process (friends, parties, music, etc.).

So, to nourish is to provide, and to cherish is to protect.

To provide and to protect is to love. Love is an act of the will, meaning by ‘a free choice’. To nurture the wife to maturity, mentally, physically, spiritually and strong relationship, and to protect her.

Love is a commitment not only a feeling. A commitment to provide and to protect, this will cause more trust between husband and wife.

8. Another verse which needs to be explained to reveal the greatness of the Orthodox teachings, it reads: :for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall be one flesh” (31).

      In no way does it mean that the husband has to ignore his parents or has nothing to do with them. Of course not.

      It simply means that in a new partnership, one has to give his all to make it         succeed through the grace of the Lord, without any interferences from either families.

9. The Gospel according to St. Matthew 19;1-6, is read, it says: “They are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate-put asunder” (19:6).

      This unity is attained through the grace of the Holy Spirit, which ‘knits’ both of   them together through a Divine act. Married couples need to invite Christ into    their marriage each day through praying. No day should pass without renewing     the marriage vows in the presence of the Lord. Ask Christ to be a permanent     member of your house to bless the marriage continuously.

10. The Priest anoints the bridal couple with pure olive oil: announcing that a new king and queen are being anointed. They are establishing their own little kingdom for God through them and their children.
11. The crowns are put on the heads of the bridal couple: The chaste and prudent life of the couple in the past, which demanded moral struggle for the preservation of the honor of both the flesh and the spirit, along with their decision to be married “in the Lord” and keep the Christian moral life and living faith intact is encouraged and blessed with the symbol of the crowns. Their prudent life is to be crowned; their life in the Name and Message of the Lord Jesus Christ is crowned. Crowns are signs of glory and honor, where a new ‘king and queen’ establish their own little kingdom-their home, which they will rule with wisdom, justice and integrity. The deeper meaning of placing the crowns is that these crowns which are put on the heads of the bridal couple is to crown them, in advance, for the immeasurable self-sacrifice on both sides for each other on the ‘altar of love’. The couple should provide love and comfort to please each other.
12. The right hands of the groom and the bride are joined: while the priest recites the prayer that beseeches God to ‘join and unite them in one mind and one flesh’. The Holy Spirit descends here, after the inaudible prayer by the priest, and they are no more two but one, through the act of the Holy Spirit. The hands are kept joined throughout the remainder of the service, to symbolize the ‘oneness’ of the bridal couple.
13. The Priest says ‘the instructions of love’ ‘the commandments’ for both: the groom and the bride. He urges them to fulfill the divine commandments so that God, in return, shall grant them a blessed and peaceful life supported by the Holy Spirit which will fill their hearts and lives with joy and happiness.
14. The Priest then gives the final blessing: allowing the congregation, along with the bridal couple, to depart in the peace of the Lord.

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INTRODUCTION

There are FOUR PILLARS for establishing a healthy marriage.

The marriage relationship must be based on:

LOVE-TRUST-RESPECT-CARE

LOVE: means to be tenderly attached in an affectionate way, and maintain the friendship and likeness in a passionate manner.

TRUST: means to believe in someone’s goodness and have confidence in that person, which means credit granted, assurance and reliability.

RESPECT: means to honor, revere, treat with consideration, avoid injuring or offending the other party.

CARE: means a feeling of concern or to show interest or regard.

Love, trust, respect and care are at the heart of marriage and the family.

+ Anything that blocks or hinders a healthy development of these qualities, must be dealt with immediately.

+ This translates into a man placing his wife and children ahead of profession or vocation.

+ It equally places on the wife the responsibility to put her husband ahead of her parents, children or tasks.

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THE FIRST SESSION

1. Be a ready listener:  and do not answer until the other person has finished talking. Show your respect and love by listening.
2. Think first before you speak: do not be hasty in your words. Speak in a way that the other person can understand and accept what you say.
3. Speak the truth always: but do it in love. Do not exaggerate.
4. Do not use silence to frustrate the other person: explain why you are hesitant to talk at this time.
5. Do not become involved in quarrels: it is possible to disagree without quarreling.
6. Do not respond in anger: use soft and kind response.
7. When you are in the wrong, admit it: and ask for forgiveness.
8. When someone confess to you: tell them you forgive them. Be sure it is not brought up to the person and it is forgotten.
9. Avoid nagging.
10. Do not blame or criticize the other person: instead, restore, encourage and edify. If someone verbally attacks, criticizes or blames you, do not respond in the same manner.
11. Try to understand the other person’s opinion: make allowances for differences. Be concerned about their interests.

QUESTIONS

1-How did your family communicate?

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THE SECOND SESSION

      .1.As Christians we recognize that God must be the center of our family. He is the One who united us. He is the cornerstone of our life. With Him we have identity, without Him we are nothing-no ones.

      The word CHRISTIAN is made up of two syllables; ‘Christ’ and ‘-ian’. With Him we are someone, meaning a ‘Christian’, but without Him we are no ones .. we are ‘IAN’, meaning nothing.

      We recognize the development of a relationship will be lasting, growing and satisfying to husband, wife and children, and must be built on Jesus Christ who is ‘The way, the truth, and the life’(John 14:6).

ESTABLISHING THE FAMILY ALTAR:

This is very vital for a happy family at home. To accomplish this, you have to:

READ: your Bible daily. As I always say, ‘one chapter a day, keeps the devil away’.

The word of God cleans, purifies and sanctifies, “You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you” (John 15:3).

When we read the Bible, God talks to us through His divine Word.

PRAY: to strengthen your relationship with the Lord. “The effective fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much” (James 5:16).

When we pray, we talk to God, and God listens.

CONFESS: regularly to have a clear mind, heart and conscious. “Confess your trespasses to one another” (James 5:16).

PARTAKE: of the Holy Communion on a regular basis so as to be ‘one in Him as He is One in His Father” (John 17:11).       

      2. Healthy relationships are rooted in desirable behavior and effective ways of relating. ‘Give and take’ is basic to any committed relationship.

The relationship is ‘two way’, not one way. One of the first acts in which one can give willingly is to discuss, adapt and change, where it seems helpful to your ongoing relationship.

Remember, when it gets HOT during discussion, call for a ‘Time Out’.

      3. Digging in the past is both a waste of time and a hindrance to growth.

  With saint Paul the apostle we agree to “Forget those things that are behind and press toward the mark” (Philippians 3:13).

Christ loved us and that is why He forgave us and forgot our sins.

Love= Forgive = Forget

Examples: the Samaritan woman, Zacchaeus, the woman caught in the act, the prodigal son, etc.

      When Lot’s wife insisted on looking backward to the past, she vanished, and became a pillar of salt! (Genesis 19:26).

      It was God’s order to her and her family ‘not to look backward’, not to look back in the past, it is gone, and passed away.

      Also God’s word to those whom like to proceed forward when He said; “let the mourners bury their dead” (Matthew 8:22; Luke 9:60).

      When we do not dig in each others past, we are not being judgmental and pointing fingers at others, so God does not judge us harshly, for by the measure you are measuring with, God will measure to you and more.

Therefore, if problems of conflict arise, they shall be weighed, evaluated and resolved.

Seek to work on ‘NOW’ feelings and situations and plan carefully toward the future.

4- Pray for your mate that God’s love shall encompass them and His loving-kindness shall constantly flow through your life into theirs. You should knowingly seek to ‘put on your mate’ as one puts on a coat, to think their thoughts, feel their feelings and hurt their hurts.

Learn to identify with your mate and communicate that identification.

5- Agree with your mate, to sit down periodically and refer back to the positive actions and agreements in the previous period.

As you review them, you should make every effort to work at the behaviors and be able to put them into effect into your life. 

+ Thank you …

+ I appreciate what you did …

+ You did a fine job ..

+ I have faith in you ...

+ Please (when you are asking for something) ..

+ I love you … for love has good manners.

+ Always make your partner feel special.

+ Give more love, and you will get more love. Its like a bank account, the more you put in, the more you get out when needed.

+ If you are having problems, figure out first the role you are playing in causing this problem. Avoid bringing in third parties.

+ Call during the day just to say, “I love you” or “how are you doing” or “I miss you”. Your call is not to check on your partner.

+ If you want to have a great relationship, you have to give 100%, because 50/50 is not enough.

+ Picture yourself as older, looking back on your life together, what do you wish you could have done or handled differently? Do it now !

+ Say positive affirmations about each other and your relationship.

+ Always take each other’s feelings into consideration.

REMEMBER:

It takes 72 muscles to frown, and only 23 to smile !

Smiling has much more pleasurable results.

1-I am thankful to God for my fiancee’ because:

3-Now put your answers in the form of a prayer to God, first giving thanks and then asking for God’s blessings:

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THE  THIRD  SESSION

1-Do not try to solve a problem by creating another problem. Make every effort to learn how to negotiate with your mate, until you can find mutually acceptable compromises.

Talk to each other, not at each other. Show care, love and mutual compromise with the person or mate. Learn from our Lord Jesus Christ how He spoke to the Samaritan woman; in love, respect and care. As a result, He guided her to confess and showed her He cared for her salvation and He found something very precious in her, ‘truth’ (John 4:1-42).

Look at the way God spoke to the woman caught in the act, He did not intend to hurt or embarrass her, but rather save her. He told her “I too shall not judge you” (John 4). He showed care and love for the soul which is willing to repent.

REMEMBER: Love = Forgive = Forget

2-Do not rush ahead on your own in a direction of action which affect others in your family relationship without first sharing and negotiating the kinds of behavior contemplated or agreed upon with your mate.

3-Accept your personal responsibilities for maintaining a closer walk with God. In your family unit, you shall seek to follow the model of the Heavenly Father with His children; loving, forgiving, disciplining, sharing, caring.

Raise your children in reverence and knowledge of God through Jesus Christ.

4-Make every effort to be fair and compromise in your decisions of a recreational nature. Learn to take turns and to alternate so that neither of you feel their wishes are not considered.

5-Do not press your parents on your mate in any way. You are aware of course, that in-law relationships can be very sensitive. They can also be rewarding. Be kind and talk about your mate’s needs to relate to parents and their needs to have you relate from time-to-time.

6-If your parents offend your mate, take your parents aside and seek to handle the problem kindly. Your mate shall go before you in these matters, paving the way with their parents as the need arises. You may decide to speak to the parents together.

7-If a friend becomes offensive to your mate, you shall seriously consider breaking off the friendship barring some impossible relationship from which you cannot disengage or entangle yourself. In such a situation, you shall make every effort to reduce and to relate to the friend unilaterally, which will not interfere with your sharing experiences with your mate.

8-Conflicts are inevitable when people live together under one roof. As problems and conflicts are taken personally or internalized, they will be magnified. It is not healthy nor realistic to assume that one’s mate is deliberately trying to make life miserable. It is unfair to consider that for your mate to love you, he/she will do exactly the things you expect him/her to do. Your partner as a person has the right of personhood, and the right to differ. From those differences you can come to a better understanding as you discuss them factually and kindly.

1-Why is it important not to bring in a third party ?

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THE  FOURTH  SESSION

WHO DOES WHAT ?

1-Agree to work at meriting your mate’s trust by doing your share to communicate and bear responsibility for the relationship. Attempt to fulfill your obligations and responsibilities.

2-One way to commence negotiations on the division of labor is to list the tasks that need to be performed. Seek a fair and equitable division of labor.

3-Whenever your circumstances change, such as; the wife starting to work or stopping work, or husband’s vocation changes, or wife becoming pregnant, or whenever a change in your situation warrants it, sit down and discuss the division of labor together.

4-Being stubborn, dominating, manipulating, utilization of sex or deprivation of it, as means of getting one’s way, can seriously harm a marital relationship.

Do all what’s in your power to never employ ‘sick’ behavioral problems to gain your ends.

5-The Bible said; “let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence, likewise, the husband has no power of his own body, but the wife. Do not refuse one another except it be consent for a time, that you may both give yourselves to fasting and prayer, and come together again, that Satan tempts you not or take advantage of your weaknesses” (I Corinthians 7:3-5).

DREAMS , GOALS & DECISION MAKING

INTRODUCTION:

In your married life you will make many decisions. Some will be small and others big. Some will be easy to make, especially when you both agree on the decision or don’t have strong opposing feelings. Others will be more difficult.

Varying needs, desires, feelings and expectations can deeply affect your decision making as a couple.

Many decisions involve your dreams and goals , both as individuals and as a couple: for example, what kind of house you buy, how many children you have, what type of lifestyle you will lead, whether you will relocate for career opportunity, etc.

By sharing your dreams and goals with each other on an ongoing basis, you will be able to see where they match and where they don’t.

You will be better able to combine your dreams and goals into a future reality so that your decisions will be life-giving to both of you.

You will also be able to work better as a team toward the collective goals for your marriage.

The five steps bellow can help you to make decisions that are life-giving.

FIVE STEPS OF DECISIO MAKING:

1-DISCERN:

First, gather all the facts about your decision. Read available information, do research and ask questions.

Second, consult with others. Sometimes another’s experience can give you insight or information that you might not have considered.

Be careful not to speak just with those who support your point of view.

Last, and most important, discuss the decision together. Others can give you the facts, but you are the ones who will have to live with the results. Never make on-the-spot decisions for critical issues.

2-SET A TIME:

Set a time in which you will make your decision. Don’t rush important decisions, but don’t put them off either. Remember no decision is still a decision.

3-PRAY TOGETHER;

In the sacrament of Matrimony, a couple invites God to be the focal point of their marital relationship. Asking God for help, guidance, openness, honesty and trust in your decision-making process can give you clarity and strength as a couple.

4-ACCEPTING MUTUAL RESPONSIBILITIES:

Accept co-responsibility for the decision(s) you make as a couple; otherwise, there can be tension or resentment that may adversely affect your relationship.

You are unique individuals with different needs and wants, so you will not always agree on every decision. This means that you will have to compromise from time to time. Each of you should ask the question “Is this decision best for us or just me?” If your answer is ‘just me’, it is possible that your decision may not be life-giving to your relationship.

Focusing on mutual understanding and unity in your decision-making process leads to a more supportive and loving relationship.

5-RE-EVALUATE:

Reevaluate important decisions from time to time, and do not be afraid to admit when you have made a decision that has not worked well for one or both of you.

This is how you learn what works and what does not. Many couples get trapped by a sense of pride or fear of being wrong; therefore, they do not admit that a decision was not the best one and needs to be looked at again.

If the decision was made with openness, honesty, and trust, things can be worked out.

Following the team couple’s example, draw a picture of what your dreams and goals look like for the next five years. Some of the areas you may want to include are:

_+Couple relationship:

+Career:

+Children:

+Travel:

+Church:

+Finances:

YOUR FREAMS AND GOALS, FIND OUT THE SIMILARITY AND THE DIFFERENCES.

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THE FIFTH SESSION

1-      Seek to accord your mate’s needs with equal consideration with your own (no more no less).

2-      Attempt to be a positive person and not a gripper, criticizer, attacking people’s personalities or physical conditions with mean words, especially friends or relatives.

3-      Avoid vulgar, rude, cutting, swearing, belittling remarks to your mate or your children.

4-      Trust your mate by not suggesting how he/she should do a task, for example; ‘how to drive’! This is obnoxious ‘parenting’ and difficult to accept by either husband or wife.

5-      Try to accept any friend or relative valued by your mate, unless his/her behavior is dangerous or destructive. This should be discussed.

6-      Avoid demeaning or downgrading the feelings of your mate when he/she is disturbed, distressed or in pain. Rather seek to be understanding, caring, attentive and comforting.

7-      Be alert to your mate’s appearance, behavior, grooming, and accomplishments by giving genuine praise.

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THE  SIXTH  SESSION

GETTING  YOUR  IDEAS  ACROSS:

1-Be available for discussion with your mate and avoid giving your mate the ‘silent treatment’ for extended periods of time.

2-Trust your mate’s ability to handle your ideas and emotions and that he/she will not attempt to flavor or distort your statements so as to counteract the expected negative of your mate.

3-Make every effort to use good timing in communication. Avoid laying heavy information on your mate when they are tired, hungry, afraid, or distressed by life’s pressures.

4-Attempt to be fair in communicating.

State facts without superlatives or demeaning terms.

Try to communicate and in return actively listen to the responses of your mate with understanding.

Do not selectively ‘hear’ what you expect to hear or want to hear, but what your mate is trying to tell you even if it is difficult to accept.

Hear without distortion or retaliation.

5-When you have been absent or away from one another for long or short periods of time, you shall await your mate’s readiness to share any experiences.

Trust your mate to let you know what is important and avoid asking picky questions.

6-Be sensitive to both; verbal and non-verbal communication from your mate, including their voice, facial expressions and body language.

7-Marital fights can be reduced in number and consequences, if couple learns to speak at lower volume than they would like to speak.

Heated emotional sounds blow everything out of proportion. Perspective, objectivity and fairness are lost. The relationship deteriorates into a shouting match.

The angrier you become you have to make every effort to lower your voice.

Soften your voice when you want to shout!

Lower the decibels of sound at the point when you want to scream.

Kindly and softly request your mate to tell you all he/she has to share but do it softly.

Lowering the volume will reduce and defuse many marital fights.

Speak softly in your moments of anger.

Communicating is a two way street, be fair in communicating, be sensitive, use good timing for communicating.

The wrath/anger of man works not the righteousness of God (James 1:20).

A wise man shows knowledge by good conversation, with meekness of wisdom (James 3:13). The Epistle of St. Paul to the Ephesians says, “be angry, and sin not ..” (Eph.4:26), explain how ….

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THE  SEVENTH  SESSION

ME, MINE & MYSELF:

1-     Accept the needs of your mate to be alone, on occasion, for meditation, prayer, study, writing or rest. Respect his/her needs. Share with your mate as to how long you want to be alone, and make sure to explain your reasons as you understand them.

2-      Be reasonable in your personal hours away from them and the time-line clarified for your mate as much as possible.

3-     Do not spend your time in the old haunts and groups of your single days and ignore your new relationship with your mate, nor will you seek to force your mate to ‘come with you’ into the old haunts and groups.

4-      Do not hold bad feelings about family members but rather the air of these grievances prior to retiring for the night and make a sincere effort to settle differences by peaceful and fair means. “be angry and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath” (Ephesians 4:26).

5-     Respect your mate’s right to privacy in terms of the mail and phone conversations.

6-      Give reasonable attention to personal hygiene. Make sincere effort to groom yourself attractively and neatly and maintain your physical health by exercising and dieting. Keep your body clean at all times.

7-     The dinner table shall not be a battleground. Keep meal times calm, peaceful and pleasant with light and happy conversations.

Respect each others needs, no bad feelings, personal hygiene is important, eat and do not fight.

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THE  EIGHTH SESSION

1-Participate in family worship with a glad heart and willingness. Establish a ‘family altar’ which will capture the interest of every member of the family in order to strengthen your faith.

2-Attempt to go out with your mate at least once a week to a social event without the children or other family members, except in the event of an emergency.

3-Attempt to get away from home for a weekend with your mate at least once every three months or whenever suitable.

4-Strengthen your relationship through the establishment of mutual friends who are reasonably well adjusted, and whom share interests and standards similar to your own.

5-Avoid close friendship and socialization with unhappy people, including those who have marriage problems or troubles as their companionship is not healthy for you. Seek friends of comparable age, circumstances and value structure.

6-Spend some leisure time in the activities, hobbies and interests that you both enjoy.

7-Attempt to understand as much as you can about your mate’s hobby or interest(s) which you now know little about.

8-Discontinue or avoid fellowship with people of temperate habits or crude, vulgar or irresponsible behavior even though you may like them personally.

Do not force them on your mate or force your mate into these relationships nor continue in them yourself since they would inevitably bring upset to your relationship with your mate.

9-Avoid friendship which could affect your mate and your house.

What governs the friendship are: love, trust, respect and honesty.

Remember you choose friends, but relatives you are born with.

Family worship, going out for refreshment, friendship with happy people, sharing in the activities of each other. 

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SUMMARY  OF  THE  8 SESSIONS:

QUICK  TIPS  FOR  A HAPPY

M A R R I A G E

1-      Love does not seek her own (I Corinthians 13:5).

2-      Each has to understand the other’s thoughts, desires, likes, dislikes, etc.

3-      Do not try to change your partner. Accept him/her as he/she is.

4-      Learn how to let go.

5-      Do not solve a problem by creating another problem.

6-      Share spiritual experiences.

7-      Share and give gifts to each other, even if there is no occasion.

8-      Use nice, clean and polite gestures.

9-      Spending time just hanging around each other, being together.

10-  Wanting each other, not using each other.

11-  Share feelings of intimacy and equality. Explore the feeling of receiving as well as giving pleasure.

12-  Compatibility outside the bedroom.

13-  It takes two to have a healthy good relationship.

14-  Make each other happy.

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THE  IN-LAWS &  YOU

‘A UNITED FRONT’

WHEN YOU PRESENT A STRONG IMAGE AS A COUPLE, YOU SIGNAL TO RELATIVES NOT TO INTRUDE IN YOUR MARRIAGE.

The following are ways to convey couple solidarity:

1-      Show you respect each other and each other’s opinion.

      For example, let your relatives know that you will consult your spouse before     making any plans.

2-      be honest about your main priorities being your spouse and children, according to God’s instructions: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and they shall be one flesh”(Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5).

3-      Stand up for each other when one of you is criticized or insulted.

4-      Refuse to listen when a relative criticizes, or in any way puts down your spouse.

5-      Devote time to each other, even when you are spending time with relatives.

1. Who is planning your wedding: you as a couple, or your families?

2. How large will the wedding be and who will be in your wedding party?

3. How many guests are being invited from each family?

4. Who will be seated where in the church and at the reception?

The   Family  That   Prays   Together

Stays   Together.

Amen.

* *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *

A SIMPLE EXERCISE FOR THE PARENTS TO RAISE THEIR CHILDREN

The Holy Scriptures says:

“ Let light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven”(Matthew 5:16).

What qualities do you want the child to acquire in his/her life?

SPIRITUALLY:

ACADEMICALLY:

SOCIALLY:

ATHLETICALLY:

MORALLY:

Both have to practice these qualities before the child is born.

&

THE FAMILY THAT PRAYS TOGETHER, STAYS TOGETHER.

1-     They have to obtain a Marriage License from the State they reside in, at least one week prior to the wedding ceremony in Church.

2-     Both have to comply to Church rules by completing all the paper works needed, such as ‘Recommendation for Marriage’  and  ‘Engagement’, were the latter has to be done, at least, 2-weeks before the wedding date.

3-     They should attend a ‘Pre-Marital Counseling’ course held by the Church they worship in, or in any Orthodox Church which offers it in the Diocese of Los Angeles.

4-     They are highly recommended to have a complete check-up and blood test for their safety and the safety of the partner-to-be.

5-     No foreign music is allowed in Church other than the Coptic hymns and songs.

6-     Proper and decent attire is required for the bridal couple and the attendants, for the reverence and awe of the Church-the House of God. It is a Liturgy and the Holy Spirit descends on the couple to make them into one (Matthew 19:6)

7-     The cameraman should know his limits and the areas he is allowed in to take photos.

8-     Quietness, respect, reverence and calmness should be the theme of the people throughout the holy service.

9-      After receiving this great mystery, the bridal couple should maintain their holiness and allow appropriate celebration that will preserve and upkeep their blessed beginning.

10-They should read The Chapter of Love; I Corinthians 13, for the first year-DAILY.